My Worst Critic

Recently someone told me that I wasn't good enough. That I need to lose weight to be acceptable and prettier.  "Don't eat so much," they said.  Every time I tried to tell this person that I know I'm beautiful and I have a wonderful husband who thinks I'm gorgeous and loves me for who I am, this person pointed out something else in me that was apparently wrong or flawed and pointed out that there are hundreds of "skinnier" and "more attractive" girls that he could have picked over me.  Then I start to doubt myself, and compare myself, and think that maybe this person is right.  Maybe I don't measure up.  This person has been telling me all of this for years.  Probably since I was about 13 or 14.  "Who would do such a thing," you ask?  "Why would anyone say that? You need to stop hanging around that person."   Well, I've tried.  But as much as I've tried throughout the years to escape the lies and grip this person holds on me, somehow every so often it latches on again.   Because this horrible person who lies and insults me.....well, is me.

I can't ever remember a time where I wasn't conscious about my image.  My parents never once planted a negative thought it my mind.  My siblings, grandparents, aunt, uncle, cousins and friends have always loved me and supported me.  But I know 3 people, who will remain nameless, who have said some pretty hurtful and unkind things to me over the years.   And I chose to believe the 3 instead of the countless others. As hard as I've tried to brush those comments off or let them roll off my back, they still find their way into my mind and taunt me. Isn't that exactly what Satan wants though?!  For us to believe the few instead of the many and then beat ourselves up over it!!  Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No can make you feel inferior without your consent," and I guess I've allowed too many people to make me feel less-than.  I never thought that I was necessarily fat, like obese, but I just wasn't as skinny as I thought I should be or wanted to be.

I have gotten a little better in the past two years since meeting my sweet husband!  And I think that God knew exactly what I needed when he sent Joshua Michael Wooley my way!  He is the most caring, thoughtful, sweetest man I know and he tells me everyday that he thinks I'm beautiful!  I'm crying as I write this though because it's such a hard topic for me to talk about. Not many people know of the struggles that I've had because I've tried so hard to hide it.  But with the love of my Savior and sweet husband, I am slowly overcoming!

I hate bathing suit season!!  And that I don't fit in certain types of clothing.  It doesn't help that every time you turn the TV on, there is some distorted image and perception of what beauty looks like.  And I've always looked at those women, and other women that I know, and compared myself.  For the longest time, logic has not been my focus.  I haven't cared that those women on TV have teams of people to make them look the way they do, or that a lot of the printed pictures have been edited so much that they don't even look like the actual woman they originally took a photo of!  And I've been "depressed" before, but never to the point of having the desire to hurt myself.  I must admit the thought of starving myself has entered my mind before, but it's never lasted more than an hour because I get hungry! Haha!!  My main problem is just plain old self-pity.  I heard Beth Moore talk about this before and she said that self-pity is just another form of pride. Not that I'm exalting myself and think I'm better than everyone else kind of pride.  But you're still putting all of your focus on yourself and what you think is wrong with you.  You focus so much on yourself that there's no room left for God.  I have to remind myself of this.  That I'm placing my struggles and image problems above God.  Now my main desire is to try harder to make time to spend with the Lord and reading His Word. To be able to believe what He thinks about me over anyone else, I have to know what He says first right?! lol   I'm slowly learning to accept what He thinks of me and that my self-esteem and sense of worth can only come from Him!

I have to brag on my husband again!  Sometimes it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how thankful I am to have Josh in my life!  To know that he truly does love me for who I am is such a wonderful feeling!  I can go several months without feeling down but then there's just one of those days that I'll break down and cry! And he has never once gotten irritated or told me I just need to get over it.  He always comforts me and gives me a huge hug! (I love his hugs!!) Reassures me that he thinks I'm beautiful and loves that I'm his wife!  And it he may think it's such a small gesture but, boy does it sure mean the world to me!  There's nothing that will bring a smile to my face faster than a compliment from him! I'm so glad he puts up with me! I'm not saying that I depend on him to feel worthy, but he sure does help!! And I'm so very grateful to have him in my life, and I fall more in love with him every day!!

  These next few videos are my favorites and have helped me in the past to get my focus back on track.

So, I can't believe that I just told the whole world about this, but I hope that it just might help someone else who is struggling too.